


The Prisoner

by turtlelizzard



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:41:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27280615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turtlelizzard/pseuds/turtlelizzard
Summary: When Remus sees Sirius for the first time after twelve long years, he can't belive his eyes. When he hears him explain everything he can't belive his ears. When he realizes he haven't stop loving him even though it was certain that he was the traitor, he belives his heart. He always knew that he loved Sirius. And he knew there was nothing he could do about it. Not that he haven't tried.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 21





	1. The Letter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [betambi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/betambi/gifts).



_Dear Sirius_ ,

Tall man in shabby coat re-read those words and frowned. He quickly removed them with his wand and started over again.

 _Deer Sirius_ ,

It felt a little bit better to start off with an old joke. But was it actually a good idea? Was it even a good idea to write to Sirius? They haven’t seen each other for twelve years. For twelve years he thought that Sirius was the one who betrayed James and Lily. For twelve fucking years.

He decisively removed the two words again.

_Padfoot,_   
_We have had hardly enough time to say hi to each other. I can’t stress enough how awful it felt when everything clicked and I realized you weren’t the one to blame. How could you ever forgive me? You were there for twelve years and I did nothing despite the promises we made when we were just kids. I still think about it often. The times at Hogwarts I mean._

He hesitated for a moment. Wouldn’t it be better if he stared over again? It felt weird. He has sent hundreds of letters to Sirius through the years they’ve spent as best friends but this one was different. How could he even expect to hear back from Sirius when he left him to rot in Azkaban?

_I fully realize you don’t owe me anything. I know I should not be expecting to hear back from you because I cannot be considered your best friend anymore but still. If you ever feel like you want to look back at the golden days, I’m down._   
_I am sorry, Sirius._

Man’s face was scrunched up with thinking. It was the worst way he could end the letter in, yet he enclosed the quill to the paper and continued.

_I love you. As much as I always have. That never changed._   
_Remus._

Remus Lupin couldn’t bring himself to read the letter after himself. He knew he wouldn’t send it, if he read it. Instead he picked up his old suitcase and stepped out of the bus stop, where he had spent the night.  
The closest post office run by wizards, where he could borrow an owl, was not so far away. He lenghtened his steps to get there even faster.

When he picked the owl, he took out of his pocket few last sickles. He knew he should always keep at least a little bit of money but this letter was worth every single knut. So he watched the owl take off and thought about Sirius again.

Where was he? Was he ok? What if anyone saw him? What if..?

With these uneasy thoughts in his mind, Remus walked in one of the narrowest streets in London. He made sure no one was around before he closed his eyes and vanished in the air with loud thump.


	2. The Forest, Where It Happened

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, there's mention of suicide in this chapter, but don't worry. No one hurt themselves, no one even tried. It's just slighly brushed upon.

Remus was surprised when he looked around. Of course, he recognized his surroundings, but he hasn’t been here for years. He had to admit he kind of knew why he ended up at this place. His mind still circled about Sirius and there was no point in denying that.

The trees looked the same as they did thirteen years ago. He knew every branch. He remembered the glade very well. Of course, he remembered. How could he forget? James took them here with Lily, Peter, little Harry and _Sirius_. This is the place where-

Remus closed his eyes. He couldn’t stop the little smile forming on his face.

It hurt a little. The memory was surely bittersweet and over the past twelve years he tried to convince himself very hard, that it was more bitter. But now, when he was standing here, looking at the old trees and remembering _everything_ , he had to admit it was more of a sweet memory.

He sat his suitcase on the leaves in the middle of the glade and wandered around the forest for a while. He thought about Sirius, about James and Lily, about Peter. He picked up some wood and when he got back to the glade, he started a small fire. It wasn’t like he had _nowhere_ to go. Dumbledore had offered him a little flat when he was leaving Hogwarts, but Dumbledore has already done so much for Remus that he just couldn’t accept that offer.

With his wand it took him only few seconds to build an old tent he carried in his suitcase. So he found himself looking at the fire, wrapped in a blanket with holes by the clothes moths, and with nothing to do except wondering about Sirius. Is he going to write Remus back? Will he even receive that letter?

The morning came quickly. Remus had hard time falling asleep as usual so when rain started knocking on the ceiling of his tent, he was not happy about it. He made himself a cup of hot tea. What was he going to do? He couldn’t stay here, living in his tent forever.

When Dumbledore asked him, to teach at Hogwarts, his wildest dreams came true. He has his dream job, he had place to live in. He had even few friends, he was sure. He didn’t have friends since-

His heart hurt. He remembered how happy James and Lily were. How happy Sirius and he were. How _happy_ Peter was.

The rain stopped after few hours, but Remus stayed in his tent. He had no reason to leave, none at all until he heard loud thud from outside. He quickly grabbed his wand and got out of his tent. He looked around but saw no one. Was he starting to get paranoid? He could swear he heard someone apparate just outside his tent, but there was no one to be seen.

“I hoped you would be here.” That familiar voice made Remus jump. He quickly turned around where in the shadow of the trees stood tall, slim figure.  
“How could you know that?” Sirius laughed.  
“Oh I didn’t know, I just _hoped_.” He came closer to Remus. “I received your latter, but I couldn’t write you back because I don’t have an owl and in these circumstances I can’t really walk in some post office and ask for a letter to be sent.” Remus pointed at the wet fireplace with his wand and not so long after they felt the nice warmth of the fire.  
“I’m glad we talk.” Remus wanted to continue but Sirius interrupted him.  
“Of course, we talk, Remus. We have both made our mistakes, I haven’t told you about suspecting Peter so I can’t blame you for thinking it was me.”  
“Can you ever forgive me?” Remus looked at Sirius with the deepest regret written all over his face.  
“Oh Rem, please. I assure you there’s _nothing_ to forgive.” Grey eyes met the brown ones. They both knew there’s so much they need to say but at the same time _they didn’t need to say anything._ So instead of apologizing for the rest of eternity Remus changed the subject.  
“But how did you find me? How could you hope that I was here?” Sirius looked at him with furrowed eyebrows.  
“This is where it happened.” Remus swallowed the ‘I know’ that tickled him on the tip of his tongue. Instead he answered with a question.  
“What?” Sirius was silent for a while.  
“The happy memory that dementors really seemed to hate.”  
“Why?” Remus didn’t trust himself with more than one syllable words.  
“Because it might me my happiest memory ever.” Remus couldn’t find the right words.  
“I thought the happiest one was when you were sorted to Griffindor.”  
“I was happy just because it would piss off my family.”  
“What about the time you went to live with James?”  
“Again, I was happy because it would piss them off. It would make them mad, and I didn’t have to deal with that anymore. But this memory…” He gesticulated to the trees around them. “It’s pure happiness, there is no subtone to it.” Remus nodded. They both knew that that was not the appropriate reaction but what could Remus do?

For twelve years he thought he was in love with the traitor. For twelve years he tried so hard to escape those feelings and now he’s sitting here with the same person, who he was sure betrayed his closest friends – his family, and he was listening to _him_ talking about his happiest memory. The memory which Remus tried so hard to forget. The memory that was the biggest torture to Sirius because Remus didn’t believe him.

“Do you remember it?” Sirius’ voice was so small. Remus gave him a little smile and nodded again.  
“Of course I do. Like it was yesterday.”  
“It must have been horrible for you too.” said Sirius and he looked into the fire.  
“It wasn’t particularly an easy thing to think about.” Remus admitted after long pause. “The worst part was that I couldn’t bring myself to hate it. I couldn’t bring myself to hate _you_.” Sirius looked at him with the beautiful grey eyes that Remus missed so much. “I guess in the back of my mind I still couldn’t believe it was you but all the evidence... Everything was pointing at _you_ , everyone thought it was you because _you_ were there and Peter was _dead_ …” Remus heard his voice crack. He didn’t like thinking about it. “I thought I was the only one left.” he whispered. Sirius took his eyes of the fire and looked at Remus.  
“I was afraid you’ll never know the truth.” Remus felt his heart break like it has million times before. “When I was there, trapped in the little cell with the screams and the despair and-“ Sirius closed his eyes. “What if you thought it was me _forever_?” An uneasy silence filled the air.  
“I wanted it to end.” Admitted Remus quietly. “ _Anyhow_. I just needed it to end.” Sirius felt his heart in his throat.  
“What stopped you?”  
“Dumbledore.” Sirius nodded.  
“What stopped you?”  
“I haven’t said I also wanted to-“ Remus cut him off.  
“You didn’t have to. I see it in your eyes, Siri.” The nickname made them both feel like they were twenty again. Like they could hear James, Lily and Peter further in the forest and like there was nothing better in the world, than being in each other’s presence.  
“In Azkaban you’re supposed to suffer for what feels like eternity to you. They’ve got their ways how to prevent prisoners from committing suicide.” Remus nodded. Of course he knew that. He studied Azkaban for a while in the last twelve years. He couldn’t not study it. He needed to know what exactly waits there for Sirius. He tried to convince himself that he just wants to know if Sirius will be punished enough but he _knew_ that was not the case.

He wanted to know if he’ll ever see Sirius again which was supposed to be impossible. And now they’re here. Together. Watching the fire like nothing happened.


	3. The Happiest Memory of Them All

“Hey, I-“ Sirius cleared his throat. “I can’t stop thinking about it.” Remus didn’t need to ask what he meant. Remus had troubles keeping his thoughts in line too.  
“Me neither.” he admitted.  
“You wrote – in the letter – that you.. That you still-“  
“That I still love you, yes. I meant it.” Remus remembered how scared he was to admit his feelings to Sirius for the first time. He remembered the quiet common room in Griffindor tower and his quickened breathing. He had to smile. Everything was so different, yet still the same.  
“You do? Even after what you thought I’ve done?” Remus nodded.  
“Yes. I wanted to hate you, I tried really hard, but it was not possible. Not when we were the only two of all of us still alive. How could I hate you after everything we had?”  
“How can you hate Peter now?”  
“That’s different. He betrayed James and Lily and if that wasn’t enough, he betrayed you too. He made you the criminal, he destroyed your life. He made everyone hate you.”  
“Everyone except you.”  
“Well I’ve always kept different feelings towards you than others have.” Sirius smiled.  
“I want to do it again.” said Sirius after short silence.  
“Do what again exactly?”  
“Kiss you.” Remus took in a sharp breath. “Right here, like I did back then.”  
“Then why don’t you do it?”  
“I’m not sure you’d want me to.” Remus looked at his friend’s face. His cheeks were hidden in a shadow casted by the cheekbones. His eyes were dark, but not with anger and madness like when he went after Peter. They were dark with lust which made Remus’ heart race.  
“I-“ Remus didn’t know how to finish the sentence and apparently he didn’t have to. Sirius leaned in. For a moment the world seemed to stop.

This is what Remus wanted all those years but hated himself for it. Now he didn’t feel a single sting of remorse.

Then their lips moved. They danced together in the passion. Love filled both of them not leaving place for any other feeling.

They were both burning with heat even though the fire next to them was hardly warm enough. They burned with heat of this moment that they both wanted so desperately.

Remus had Sirius’ hands everywhere – not that he minded. Moan escaped his mouth when Sirius’ lips touched his neck.

Everything was slow and tender, and Sirius couldn’t get enough. Suddenly Remus switched their positions, so Sirius was lying on his back in the soft cold leaves. His shirt became an obstacle and soon it was thrown away. Remus traced his fingers down Sirius’ chest. He stopped right under the ribs and kissed Sirius. He felt like someone stabbed him when he saw how awfully skinny Sirius was. His ribs were too visible. His skin looked like paper. He had his long hair spread around his face. Remus looked at every single detail of his face. Sirius watched him carefully.  
“I know I’ve changed.” He said slowly. Remus shook his head. Sirius continued. “My skin used to be clearer, my body used to be more muscular. I used to be more handso-“ Remus cut him off with another kiss filled with love.  
“You’re still beautiful, Siri. I love you.” Their lips connected in yet another kiss.

When Remus’ shirt ended up unbuttoned on the ground, Sirius felt like crying. He had seen Remus shirtless many times before, they shared bedroom for seven years, but now…

Tens of small thin silver scars were spread across Remus’ torso. Sirius couldn’t imagine the pain that Remus had to feel when he created them.

“Did it ever get better?” Sirius asked quietly. Remus didn’t answer, but Sirius knew what he didn’t want to say. “Was it much worse? Was it much worse without us?”  
“Sirius, it’s not your fault. You couldn’t be there with me, that just wasn’t possible. I’ve been living with this almost my entire life. I know there’s nothing I can do about it, so please do not stress about it either.” Sirius listened to him. He didn’t stress himself about the scars but he made sure to kiss every single one of them as Remus tugged his hair.

“I love you, Remus. So fucking much.”  
“Oh Sirius, I love you too.” They lay in the colourful leaves. Nothing could ever hurt them. Not when they were finally together. After twelve long years they held each other’s hand and for the first time in a while nothing could wipe off the smiles from their faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this story! If you feel like it, I've got some other works on my profile, feel free to check them out :)  
> You're all wonderful, stay safe!


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